Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Oh, right. Monday.

I didn't start photographing my food. Obvi.

I don't know what my issue is... I just forget, I guess. I would like to start though. Honest. I think it'd help me really see how much I'm eating throughout the day, and the quality of that food. Evidenced by photography. Whee.

I'm having such a ridiculously blah day. I had a lunch meeting with a potential employer at noon, and then a second job interview at 1:30 with another potential employer. I'm not super stoked about either job... other than just having money regularly again. And more of a fulfilling life. And less boring and lonely would be nice, too. Everyone I know is gainfully employed, which is great, but because I've been doing these surgeries, I'm getting a delayed six month start. So these six months have been preeetty boring.

I feel like I have very few people to talk to about all the things in my life that are less than satisfactory. There's always E, who is helpful and caring. C who has plenty of her own issues to work through right now. A has been pretty absent. S and J haven't been close friends for nearly a year now. It's so weird. I feel like I can't ever have a good balance in my life. It's either great friendships and a hugely fulfilling social life, or a relationship.

It's been kind of a long-standing rule to not date someone with kids. For numerous reasons -- 1) baby mama drama/constant reminder of previous serious relationship, 2) kids can be awful, seemingly more so when they aren't your own, 3) having to have a kids-included lifestyle when I'm not a parent myself, 4) lack of flexibility in travelling (or really doing ANYTHING) with significant other, 5) having to "share" partner with their children, when there's nothing like that on my side, 6) on a certain level, I feel like the new "joy" of having babies of my own would be robbed from me. By the wayyy. I'm currently seeing a person with children. It is unbelievably hard for me. I'm sure other, and lots of women can do it and have no issues. That's apparently not me. I struggle with it every single week. I don't know what to do anymore. On the one hand, I hate feeling like this so often, and on the other imagining life without him sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I spend a lot of time thinking about it, and it's no more clear. Brain-numbing, really.

I think it's selfish to not want to share someone with their kids. I know it is. But I don't really care. I deserve to be with someone who has as much time to devote to me, as I do them. Ugh... this sucks. I feel so entirely envious of couples where neither party has children, and they get to do what they want, when they want. I feel sick to my stomach.

I just thought things in my life would be more clear by nearly 30. It's unbelievable to me that things still feel so up and down, and so uncertain. And it feels a bit like I'm navigating solo. Which I guess is how it's supposed to be.

I'm going to the gym shortly. I suppose elliptical torture will help my clear my mind, for now. It's ALWAYS for now. And by Friday, I will feel this way again, or worse.  It's such a crappy cycle. I just want to hand the reins of my life over to someone else and say "figure it out for me!" because I can't do it myself.


I've spent a lot of time today thinking about how great "starting over" would be. Moving away (again) and just setting up somewhere completely different. I've had some opportunities to do that, but... they were awfully terrifying. I thought typing this all out would make me feel better, and it really didn't. It just made me feel more at a loss, and more confused. What now, what now.

It's unfortunate therapy is so expensive.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Thank God It's Friday, Even When You're Unemployed

Ohhh, dear. I'm so glad it's Friday, but I'm not sure why. Every day of the week is the same for me right now. Speaking of jobs. I was supposed to hear from Potential Employer B by today. Did not. Taking it as a bad sign.

Ohhhh, depression!

Today, despite not getting the good (or even bad) news was good. I finished laundry and met the boy for lunch at Opah, which is fantastic every single time. If you're ever in the Orange County (California) area, please check it out. It's amazing. I ate too much bread while waiting for entrĂ©e though. What's new.

Then I stopped by my very much missed and beloved Irvine Spectrum. Walked into Old Navy to see if they still had these shirts I got one of a couple of weeks ago. They did, but mostly in XS and XXL. I'm a Medium. So that's annoying.

BUT! Old Navy is having a teacher and student appreciation weekend! 25% off your entire purchase if you can provide a student or teacher ID. I graduated in December, but you know this girl's still got her ID. So, I saved some money on my purchases, which is always nice. I got a cute cardigan for my job interview Wednesday. I also got a couple of t-shirts, and some running shorts, and a pair of jeans. And a cute Chicago Cubs t shirt for the boy. He's going to be a Cubs fan. I deem it so. (Probably not. He doesn't even really like baseball, but a girl can dream).

So... I really need to either use this or the other blog as my food and exercise blog. I haven't been recording what I eat, or anything. I'd like to try to get that done starting Monday. Mondayyy!!!!

Tonight I'm going to see Toy Story 3 with BF and his kids. What?! Kids?! Yeaaah. It's cool. I'm adjusting.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to the County Fair! Woohooo. That'll be fun. I mean, corn on the cob and other horrible-for-you food will be great. Some rides. Some sun. Crowds are no bueno though.

So I've just purchased a domain! For my design website. Exciiiiting. I don't know how to build websites though. I'm sure I'll get some help from someone. I should have learned how to do that in school or something. Learning something useful would have been good.

My dad is flying back to the OMA from Australia today. He's so international. I wish I had gotten a degree in something viable! Man.

OH! I forgot. Tonight -- after the movie and such, I'm going to the gym. Yeaaah. Friday night work out. Winnerr!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Surely a Record

How sad is it that there is really no one that would be suitable to talk to any sort of negative things in my life about. This isn't to say I don't have friends, because I do. They're just either wrapped up in their own trials, or likely not to offer great advice. Most of them would probably say "you should bail." I don't know where the line is, actually. This is worth it vs. this is not worth it. It's been a shitty day. I've never felt, without a doubt in my mind, more disconnected from him than I do right now. He feels like a stranger.

I wish I could actually share all the gory details so someone could read it and tell me if I'm unreasonable, or crazy, which is how I'm often made to feel throughout these bumps we frequently run into. He's sick of talking, and it's the only way I work through things. He can ignore painful things, and "turn them off." I spent a lifetime doing that and it didn't work well for me. Quite the opposite actually.

There are these days where I wish I could just... float away in the ocean. Not die, or anything. Just float away, with no one, nothing, no identification, no means of being contacted by anyone I know. Where every single thing in my life would just fade away, and disappear, and I could continue living my life how I want to, where I want to, with whomever I want.

This is an ongoing issue of mine... this unrealistic wishing. My horoscope says it's because I'm a Pisces so I'm prone to day dreaming. My therapist says it's a coping mechanism. I seem to have lots and lots of coping mechanisms, yet I'm not coping very well... so unsuccessful coping mechanisms.

It's 11:52 PM. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, yet I know I won't be sleeping any time soon because my brain runs and runs and runs. And when it feels like this? Forget about it. He'll "turn it off" and sleep like a baby probably.

This somewhat recent thing is how every time I'm really upset I hyperventilate and have strange jumpy heart palpitations. You're pretty jealous, I'm sure. Yeah, I have no idea what it's about, but it's just... maybe some kind of anxiety thing... or panic attack? Who knows, really. And it doesn't matter anyway.

I was talking to a friend of mine this afternoon. She's recently separated... she moved out of their condo in May. They haven't filed for divorce, and it sounds a little messy, but she overall sounded good, and excited about this fresh start, and the ability to take her life in her desired direction. I felt a little envious, but then I thought... that's dumb. I can take my life in any direction I want, too.  I think I need to spend some time sorting that all out.

Turn Me Back Into The Pet... I Was When We Met

Still listening to Pandora. Not in such a funk anymore. Folding towels. Eating watermelon. Keeping perspective on things. I think I feel isolated. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I feel like when I have a bad morning, like this morning, there's no one to lean on. Leaning on anyone makes me feel weak, but I guess I feel nostalgic about a year,and two years ago when things were not great, and I had this large group of close girlfriends to confide in, and sort things out with. I guess that's just what happens when most of your friends are through school, and you graduate.

Hopefully wherever I end up employed will have lots of nice, fun people to be friends with. I'm usually pretty good at making friends. You know, after I hate them initially. I judge people so harshly. I have no idea where that comes from.

I threw my camera in my purse a week or two weeks ago, to remember to photograph my food so this blog serves the purpose it was intended for. Yeaaah. Still haven't taken any pics. Piiiiyiiiics.

You should be able to tell that I am 1) lonely and 2) bored. I wish I could go to the gym. I suppose I could. I'm just trying to let this rip heal back over. Stupid Stephanie. You're a mess.

Is using a dog as a dumbell/weight some kind of animal cruelty offense? He seems okay with it generally.

I need to now sort the clothes laundry. Towel laundry is nearly done. It's the clothes laundry that's important. Or... importante. I know don't know spanish. At all.

So we're all in the know, I switched my Pandora to the FLO RIDA station. And never fails, dude... I feel like going out and dancin'. Even though I look real lame when I dance. Like a white girl who sucks at dancing, which very accurately describes me.

Anyway. I'm okay. I need to choose to write here when things are good, too. Not just bad. Otherwise I look like a sad sod. That's a Grandma Queenie classic. Sad sod. Another is "he doesn't have a pot to piss in," which refers to someone who isn't wealthy. Or even average. Really it means broke-ass guy, but it sounds so gross. British. They come original.

Inconsistent Writer

One of my college professors for News Writing & Reporting said I was an inconsistent writer. Either good or bad. He could tell when I didn't put the effort into the stories. He said when I put effort into them, I had a way of conveying emotion to the reader that journalists often have trouble with but this was a good thing -- the "trouble" with it, because conveying emotion shows a connection to the story by the writer, and journalism is about telling the news objectively. I'm not an objective person. I'm way too emotional about mostly everything.

For instance, for no logical reason, I bawled my eyes out at the fireworks show at Disneyland last night. I guess they were just so good. At the beginning they gave me goose bumps. In the middle they made me cry. I'm weird. I guess all of the songs -- Dumbo, Cinderella, Mary Poppins, etc. reminded me of being a little girl, and truthfully most of those memories will always make me cry.

I feel so numb right now. It's a way I wish I could feel all the time, actually. Numbness would be better than feeling everything to the extreme degree. I spent the first 24 years of my life beating down emotion... by ignoring it, and reaching for the junk food. Once I made the decision to lose weight, I found that the more pounds I lost, the more pain I felt and couldn't ignore anymore. That all sounds so dramatic and stupid. But now it feels like at 29, I feel all of the things -- from the past, from the present, the worries I have about the upcoming -- hitting me all at once, so I kind of always feel emotionally raw. When I was married, I made so many other things a priority over him/my marriage. School, friends, family, et

c. that I felt pretty numb, or cold, about him/the marriage. So when he did things that hurt me, or made me feel bad, it actually didn't matter because I didn't care. There are moments I wish I could feel that way in this relationship.

It seems I only write about the bad things I'm experiencing with him. That's pretty unfair, I suppose, but I seem to need to get things "out" when things are bad, and the only way I usually "release" emotionally, or whatever, is to write it all out. But it just isn't fair. So let me say that things are usually good. Most of the time things are better than I ever imagined a relationship being. And maybe the problem(s) are mine, and I'm the one who's broken and he's fine, and healthy, and I cause the issues. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like a textbook psych class study. All of my issues are pretty classic for a "survivor" of childhood sexual abuse. The issues with men, self-worth, abandonment, sexuality, weight, food, etc. I wonder if most guys are ill-equipped to "deal" with someone like me. Maybe not ill-equipped if I'm the broken one. I'm easily made to feel insecure about situations. That probably stems from a pretty low self-worth. This all sounds pretty ambiguous, huh? And it's our voyeuristic nature to want details. I know I'd want details if I were reading this, as an unrelated party.

I don't know who, or what to talk to anymore about the things that weigh on me. There used to be this (well, a previous generation of a blog, I guess), but then I learned that things on the internet can really only be used against you if someone will ill-will's given the chance. There was therapy, which was great, but got tiresome when it seemed like all fingers pointed back to one thing. You're scared becase you were molested. You were fat because you were molested. You seek the approval of men because... You're too sensitive because... You're afraid of your loved ones turning their backs on you because... You're uncomfortable with strangers touching you (non-sexually) because... And so on. It also got expensive, truth be told, and I'm le broke. In the wise words of Chris Martin/Coldplay, nobody said it was easy...

Oh, Coldplay, you ol' so-and-so's. You make my heart hurt bad, and no matter how much of a sellout everyone else thinks you are, I will love you for ever.

Ughhh. So. Largely miscommunication is why I feel so empty and numb right now. Let me state again, most of the time, my cup runneth over in terms of love. Right now I feel pretty over it, and distant. And cold. And numb. And dead inside. Alriiight.

Talk, talk, talk, talk.

I have my Pandora on. It's on the Arcade Fire station, but it just played Coldplay, which seems strange to me. Now it's playing a Radiohead song that makes me feel so sad. Maybe it's the "Stephanie already feels like the death so let's pile it on!" station. Sounds good, Pandora. Thanks.

I honestly can't devote any more energy to that right now. Whee, feeling like shit!

In other news, I've gained a little weight since I had to stop working out. I wasn't sure how much until I went to the doctor. Lame. I feel completely defeated. I was approved to exercise again, but then re-ripped my incision, so I'm trying to take it easy until it's healed back over again. Depressing!! I joined Weight Watchers online though. So, points! Yippee. I'm still figuring out that site, and the whole points system. I also got Bethenny Frankel's Naturally Thin and that Intuitive Eating book. I am not at all an intuitive eater. Hopefully I learn things.

Alright. Laundry and attempts to slink out of this funk.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Three Weeks Post-Op

Well, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I put on some Britney just now to keep me motivated to actually type out an entire post. I don't know where the lack of motivation to write in here comes from. Mostly I think it stems from not wanting to share too many personal details... because you know, the internet.

My incisions are getting better. The vertical incisions on my actual inner thighs are healed up well. The horizontal incisions in the crease of my thighs have some... "openings." That's what we're calling them. Basically I split the incisions open. Have I mentioned I'm a terrible patient. Because I lack patience. I haven't worked out or anything, but I've been more active than Dr. E would like. But, I went to see him today and he said they're looking better. I have to "pack" one of the "openings" with this iodine-coated gauze. It's gonna be a blast.

I am three weeks out from surgery so I get to start massaging my breasts. Hahaha. If I haven't mentioned this already, I got breast implants during the last surgery. I like them, but... I wasn't prepared for the increased amount of attention. I'm sure that sounds stupid, but it's like a big surprise to me that men can't seem to hide their  boob gaze. I don't see the fascination. They're lumps of flesh under my shirt. Who cares.

Well, clearly I care because if I didn't, I wouldn't have gotten them. I did it to even out my body. I have big hips. "Yay."

I miss my family, kind of. My cousin -- one who used to be as close as a sister, but in the last few years has become more like a stranger -- had a baby shower, and I'm missing out on all of those things -- family events, whatever. I don't plan on moving back to Omaha... ever. But I do miss them. Mostly just my dad. I wish he'd buy a house out here so there was even more of an excuse to come out. I don't really miss the rest of them. They're all insane.

My dog got groomed yesterday and she looks so ridiculously cute, it hurts. She's my entire heart, I swear.

Back to the family event thing... one nice thing about dating someone who's "local," is that his family is mostly all around so I get invited to all of his family events, and that's a nice substitute I suppose. Plus his family is way less crazy. Not that it's without issues. His family is religious. One of the big ones that some in the world make fun of. In case it isn't all that clear, I am not religious. He actually isn't either, but this is a fairly recent thing. So, I guess... sometimes I feel stressed out when I'm around them because I don't want them to count me out because I probably don't fit in their "ideal." I never fit in anyone's "ideal." Ha. That was a huge issue in my marriage -- his family hated me, and to me, it felt like he made no attempt to make that situation better. Let me be clear, boyfriend's family never makes me feel anything but totally welcome. I just hope internally they aren't wishing for someone better for him.

Aaaanyway. I had a taste of running this week. I was trying to pay for my stuff in a store when I remembered I forgot my wallet in my car -- midway through checking out. So, I RAN outside to get it, because there were lots of people behind me. And it felt so good! I mean, not 100% because of my dumb incisions, but it felt nice running without the extras (read: leftover skin. Gross). I cannot, CANNOT wait to get back into it. I have so many fitness goals this fall/summer. 5Ks, 10Ks, Half Marathons. Biathlons. Maybe triathlons. If I can learn how to swim. Oh yeah... I don't know how to swim.

I'm worried about running with fake boobs. I can't imagine it'll be reaaal comfortable. I need to invest in a good jog bra. I tried one on at Lululemon. That's where my small boobs bra is from, and it was comfy and great. This one was NOT. Siiigh.

In other news, and lastly, I may have found a job. Maaaay. Gosh, I freakin' hope so. I'm so flippin' bored. I feel like I shouldn't have written about it. Like, I'm gonna jinx myself. Pleaaaase God. Pleaaaaase. Mama's broke and misses pedicures and professional hair coloring. Oh, and my dog is way overdue for a visit to the vet. Priorities. I swear, she'll get to the vet before the other stuff. Don't call the ASPCA or PETA on me. I'm a good dog mom. Swears.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

In an hour and a half I'm going to get the drains out! This is usually the more relief after the surgeries. The stitches are great to get removed, too, but the drains are so very cumbersome.

I spent last weekend trying to enjoy being mobile, and being outside. I went with the boy and a girlfriend to Descano Gardens outside of Pasadena. It was lovely. As you'll see below...

Man, I love flowers. Aren't those so pretty? It made me want to be a wedding planner. It is (besides the beach) the most beautiful location for a wedding. 

My surgery was Wednesday, and it was paaainful. I woke up thinking "OH... this was a mistake." And the first four days after were brutal, but knowing in an hour my drains come out, makes me feel relieved and excited. 

For the first time in my life, I don't look at my body and think "Ugh, gross." I have put on a few pounds throughout this vacation from exercise, and I'm so so so looking forward to working them back off. With a couple months of hard work, I think I'll actually LOVE my body. What a concept! Blows my mind. 

I bought the book, "Intuitive Eating" because I cannot... CANNOT diet ever again. I loathe it. I also got Jillian Michaels' Hot Bod in a Box which is stuffed with 80-something different exercises. And come on! Jillian Michaels? She's pretty hardcore. Can't wait. 

I'm also kicking around the ideas of taking -- yoga, spinning, belly dancing, kettle bells, and CROSS FIT. Along with the usual running and cycling. And random cardio visits to the gym. Ohhh, I can't wait to get back in the groove. 

Because when I'm honest... all I wanna do is eat Mexican food and cookies.