Surely a Record

How sad is it that there is really no one that would be suitable to talk to any sort of negative things in my life about. This isn't to say I don't have friends, because I do. They're just either wrapped up in their own trials, or likely not to offer great advice. Most of them would probably say "you should bail." I don't know where the line is, actually. This is worth it vs. this is not worth it. It's been a shitty day. I've never felt, without a doubt in my mind, more disconnected from him than I do right now. He feels like a stranger.

I wish I could actually share all the gory details so someone could read it and tell me if I'm unreasonable, or crazy, which is how I'm often made to feel throughout these bumps we frequently run into. He's sick of talking, and it's the only way I work through things. He can ignore painful things, and "turn them off." I spent a lifetime doing that and it didn't work well for me. Quite the opposite actually.

There are these days where I wish I could just... float away in the ocean. Not die, or anything. Just float away, with no one, nothing, no identification, no means of being contacted by anyone I know. Where every single thing in my life would just fade away, and disappear, and I could continue living my life how I want to, where I want to, with whomever I want.

This is an ongoing issue of mine... this unrealistic wishing. My horoscope says it's because I'm a Pisces so I'm prone to day dreaming. My therapist says it's a coping mechanism. I seem to have lots and lots of coping mechanisms, yet I'm not coping very well... so unsuccessful coping mechanisms.

It's 11:52 PM. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, yet I know I won't be sleeping any time soon because my brain runs and runs and runs. And when it feels like this? Forget about it. He'll "turn it off" and sleep like a baby probably.

This somewhat recent thing is how every time I'm really upset I hyperventilate and have strange jumpy heart palpitations. You're pretty jealous, I'm sure. Yeah, I have no idea what it's about, but it's just... maybe some kind of anxiety thing... or panic attack? Who knows, really. And it doesn't matter anyway.

I was talking to a friend of mine this afternoon. She's recently separated... she moved out of their condo in May. They haven't filed for divorce, and it sounds a little messy, but she overall sounded good, and excited about this fresh start, and the ability to take her life in her desired direction. I felt a little envious, but then I thought... that's dumb. I can take my life in any direction I want, too.  I think I need to spend some time sorting that all out.