Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Oh, right. Monday.

I didn't start photographing my food. Obvi.

I don't know what my issue is... I just forget, I guess. I would like to start though. Honest. I think it'd help me really see how much I'm eating throughout the day, and the quality of that food. Evidenced by photography. Whee.

I'm having such a ridiculously blah day. I had a lunch meeting with a potential employer at noon, and then a second job interview at 1:30 with another potential employer. I'm not super stoked about either job... other than just having money regularly again. And more of a fulfilling life. And less boring and lonely would be nice, too. Everyone I know is gainfully employed, which is great, but because I've been doing these surgeries, I'm getting a delayed six month start. So these six months have been preeetty boring.

I feel like I have very few people to talk to about all the things in my life that are less than satisfactory. There's always E, who is helpful and caring. C who has plenty of her own issues to work through right now. A has been pretty absent. S and J haven't been close friends for nearly a year now. It's so weird. I feel like I can't ever have a good balance in my life. It's either great friendships and a hugely fulfilling social life, or a relationship.

It's been kind of a long-standing rule to not date someone with kids. For numerous reasons -- 1) baby mama drama/constant reminder of previous serious relationship, 2) kids can be awful, seemingly more so when they aren't your own, 3) having to have a kids-included lifestyle when I'm not a parent myself, 4) lack of flexibility in travelling (or really doing ANYTHING) with significant other, 5) having to "share" partner with their children, when there's nothing like that on my side, 6) on a certain level, I feel like the new "joy" of having babies of my own would be robbed from me. By the wayyy. I'm currently seeing a person with children. It is unbelievably hard for me. I'm sure other, and lots of women can do it and have no issues. That's apparently not me. I struggle with it every single week. I don't know what to do anymore. On the one hand, I hate feeling like this so often, and on the other imagining life without him sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I spend a lot of time thinking about it, and it's no more clear. Brain-numbing, really.

I think it's selfish to not want to share someone with their kids. I know it is. But I don't really care. I deserve to be with someone who has as much time to devote to me, as I do them. Ugh... this sucks. I feel so entirely envious of couples where neither party has children, and they get to do what they want, when they want. I feel sick to my stomach.

I just thought things in my life would be more clear by nearly 30. It's unbelievable to me that things still feel so up and down, and so uncertain. And it feels a bit like I'm navigating solo. Which I guess is how it's supposed to be.

I'm going to the gym shortly. I suppose elliptical torture will help my clear my mind, for now. It's ALWAYS for now. And by Friday, I will feel this way again, or worse.  It's such a crappy cycle. I just want to hand the reins of my life over to someone else and say "figure it out for me!" because I can't do it myself.


I've spent a lot of time today thinking about how great "starting over" would be. Moving away (again) and just setting up somewhere completely different. I've had some opportunities to do that, but... they were awfully terrifying. I thought typing this all out would make me feel better, and it really didn't. It just made me feel more at a loss, and more confused. What now, what now.

It's unfortunate therapy is so expensive.


  1. Hey, Girlie Girl!! I hope you're doing well. How's the recovery coming? I've been thinking about you. Update soon, please. :)

  2. Hey, you!! Are you ok? You haven't posted in ages. I've been thinking of you, and I hope you're doing alright.

  3. Hey there young lady! Wow, you have been up to everything and anything, haven't you!? Amazing.

    I hope you're doing well. I've been blogging again and as always, I think of you and wonder how you're doing. You know my email. Drop me a line if you feel like it. Or come on over to le blog. Do you get to SD often? If yes, let me know!