Oh, right. Monday.

I didn't start photographing my food. Obvi.

I don't know what my issue is... I just forget, I guess. I would like to start though. Honest. I think it'd help me really see how much I'm eating throughout the day, and the quality of that food. Evidenced by photography. Whee.

I'm having such a ridiculously blah day. I had a lunch meeting with a potential employer at noon, and then a second job interview at 1:30 with another potential employer. I'm not super stoked about either job... other than just having money regularly again. And more of a fulfilling life. And less boring and lonely would be nice, too. Everyone I know is gainfully employed, which is great, but because I've been doing these surgeries, I'm getting a delayed six month start. So these six months have been preeetty boring.

I feel like I have very few people to talk to about all the things in my life that are less than satisfactory. There's always E, who is helpful and caring. C who has plenty of her own issues to work through right now. A has been pretty absent. S and J haven't been close friends for nearly a year now. It's so weird. I feel like I can't ever have a good balance in my life. It's either great friendships and a hugely fulfilling social life, or a relationship.

It's been kind of a long-standing rule to not date someone with kids. For numerous reasons -- 1) baby mama drama/constant reminder of previous serious relationship, 2) kids can be awful, seemingly more so when they aren't your own, 3) having to have a kids-included lifestyle when I'm not a parent myself, 4) lack of flexibility in travelling (or really doing ANYTHING) with significant other, 5) having to "share" partner with their children, when there's nothing like that on my side, 6) on a certain level, I feel like the new "joy" of having babies of my own would be robbed from me. By the wayyy. I'm currently seeing a person with children. It is unbelievably hard for me. I'm sure other, and lots of women can do it and have no issues. That's apparently not me. I struggle with it every single week. I don't know what to do anymore. On the one hand, I hate feeling like this so often, and on the other imagining life without him sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I spend a lot of time thinking about it, and it's no more clear. Brain-numbing, really.

I think it's selfish to not want to share someone with their kids. I know it is. But I don't really care. I deserve to be with someone who has as much time to devote to me, as I do them. Ugh... this sucks. I feel so entirely envious of couples where neither party has children, and they get to do what they want, when they want. I feel sick to my stomach.

I just thought things in my life would be more clear by nearly 30. It's unbelievable to me that things still feel so up and down, and so uncertain. And it feels a bit like I'm navigating solo. Which I guess is how it's supposed to be.

I'm going to the gym shortly. I suppose elliptical torture will help my clear my mind, for now. It's ALWAYS for now. And by Friday, I will feel this way again, or worse.  It's such a crappy cycle. I just want to hand the reins of my life over to someone else and say "figure it out for me!" because I can't do it myself.

Whine.

I've spent a lot of time today thinking about how great "starting over" would be. Moving away (again) and just setting up somewhere completely different. I've had some opportunities to do that, but... they were awfully terrifying. I thought typing this all out would make me feel better, and it really didn't. It just made me feel more at a loss, and more confused. What now, what now.

It's unfortunate therapy is so expensive.

Thank God It's Friday, Even When You're Unemployed

Ohhh, dear. I'm so glad it's Friday, but I'm not sure why. Every day of the week is the same for me right now. Speaking of jobs. I was supposed to hear from Potential Employer B by today. Did not. Taking it as a bad sign.

Ohhhh, depression!

Today, despite not getting the good (or even bad) news was good. I finished laundry and met the boy for lunch at Opah, which is fantastic every single time. If you're ever in the Orange County (California) area, please check it out. It's amazing. I ate too much bread while waiting for entrée though. What's new.

Then I stopped by my very much missed and beloved Irvine Spectrum. Walked into Old Navy to see if they still had these shirts I got one of a couple of weeks ago. They did, but mostly in XS and XXL. I'm a Medium. So that's annoying.

BUT! Old Navy is having a teacher and student appreciation weekend! 25% off your entire purchase if you can provide a student or teacher ID. I graduated in December, but you know this girl's still got her ID. So, I saved some money on my purchases, which is always nice. I got a cute cardigan for my job interview Wednesday. I also got a couple of t-shirts, and some running shorts, and a pair of jeans. And a cute Chicago Cubs t shirt for the boy. He's going to be a Cubs fan. I deem it so. (Probably not. He doesn't even really like baseball, but a girl can dream).

So... I really need to either use this or the other blog as my food and exercise blog. I haven't been recording what I eat, or anything. I'd like to try to get that done starting Monday. Mondayyy!!!!

Tonight I'm going to see Toy Story 3 with BF and his kids. What?! Kids?! Yeaaah. It's cool. I'm adjusting.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to the County Fair! Woohooo. That'll be fun. I mean, corn on the cob and other horrible-for-you food will be great. Some rides. Some sun. Crowds are no bueno though.

So I've just purchased a domain! For my design website. Exciiiiting. I don't know how to build websites though. I'm sure I'll get some help from someone. I should have learned how to do that in school or something. Learning something useful would have been good.

My dad is flying back to the OMA from Australia today. He's so international. I wish I had gotten a degree in something viable! Man.

OH! I forgot. Tonight -- after the movie and such, I'm going to the gym. Yeaaah. Friday night work out. Winnerr!

Surely a Record

How sad is it that there is really no one that would be suitable to talk to any sort of negative things in my life about. This isn't to say I don't have friends, because I do. They're just either wrapped up in their own trials, or likely not to offer great advice. Most of them would probably say "you should bail." I don't know where the line is, actually. This is worth it vs. this is not worth it. It's been a shitty day. I've never felt, without a doubt in my mind, more disconnected from him than I do right now. He feels like a stranger.

I wish I could actually share all the gory details so someone could read it and tell me if I'm unreasonable, or crazy, which is how I'm often made to feel throughout these bumps we frequently run into. He's sick of talking, and it's the only way I work through things. He can ignore painful things, and "turn them off." I spent a lifetime doing that and it didn't work well for me. Quite the opposite actually.

There are these days where I wish I could just... float away in the ocean. Not die, or anything. Just float away, with no one, nothing, no identification, no means of being contacted by anyone I know. Where every single thing in my life would just fade away, and disappear, and I could continue living my life how I want to, where I want to, with whomever I want.

This is an ongoing issue of mine... this unrealistic wishing. My horoscope says it's because I'm a Pisces so I'm prone to day dreaming. My therapist says it's a coping mechanism. I seem to have lots and lots of coping mechanisms, yet I'm not coping very well... so unsuccessful coping mechanisms.

It's 11:52 PM. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, yet I know I won't be sleeping any time soon because my brain runs and runs and runs. And when it feels like this? Forget about it. He'll "turn it off" and sleep like a baby probably.

This somewhat recent thing is how every time I'm really upset I hyperventilate and have strange jumpy heart palpitations. You're pretty jealous, I'm sure. Yeah, I have no idea what it's about, but it's just... maybe some kind of anxiety thing... or panic attack? Who knows, really. And it doesn't matter anyway.

I was talking to a friend of mine this afternoon. She's recently separated... she moved out of their condo in May. They haven't filed for divorce, and it sounds a little messy, but she overall sounded good, and excited about this fresh start, and the ability to take her life in her desired direction. I felt a little envious, but then I thought... that's dumb. I can take my life in any direction I want, too.  I think I need to spend some time sorting that all out.

Turn Me Back Into The Pet... I Was When We Met

Still listening to Pandora. Not in such a funk anymore. Folding towels. Eating watermelon. Keeping perspective on things. I think I feel isolated. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I feel like when I have a bad morning, like this morning, there's no one to lean on. Leaning on anyone makes me feel weak, but I guess I feel nostalgic about a year,and two years ago when things were not great, and I had this large group of close girlfriends to confide in, and sort things out with. I guess that's just what happens when most of your friends are through school, and you graduate.

Hopefully wherever I end up employed will have lots of nice, fun people to be friends with. I'm usually pretty good at making friends. You know, after I hate them initially. I judge people so harshly. I have no idea where that comes from.

I threw my camera in my purse a week or two weeks ago, to remember to photograph my food so this blog serves the purpose it was intended for. Yeaaah. Still haven't taken any pics. Piiiiyiiiics.

You should be able to tell that I am 1) lonely and 2) bored. I wish I could go to the gym. I suppose I could. I'm just trying to let this rip heal back over. Stupid Stephanie. You're a mess.

Is using a dog as a dumbell/weight some kind of animal cruelty offense? He seems okay with it generally.

I need to now sort the clothes laundry. Towel laundry is nearly done. It's the clothes laundry that's important. Or... importante. I know don't know spanish. At all.

So we're all in the know, I switched my Pandora to the FLO RIDA station. And never fails, dude... I feel like going out and dancin'. Even though I look real lame when I dance. Like a white girl who sucks at dancing, which very accurately describes me.

Anyway. I'm okay. I need to choose to write here when things are good, too. Not just bad. Otherwise I look like a sad sod. That's a Grandma Queenie classic. Sad sod. Another is "he doesn't have a pot to piss in," which refers to someone who isn't wealthy. Or even average. Really it means broke-ass guy, but it sounds so gross. British. They come original.

Inconsistent Writer

One of my college professors for News Writing & Reporting said I was an inconsistent writer. Either good or bad. He could tell when I didn't put the effort into the stories. He said when I put effort into them, I had a way of conveying emotion to the reader that journalists often have trouble with but this was a good thing -- the "trouble" with it, because conveying emotion shows a connection to the story by the writer, and journalism is about telling the news objectively. I'm not an objective person. I'm way too emotional about mostly everything.

For instance, for no logical reason, I bawled my eyes out at the fireworks show at Disneyland last night. I guess they were just so good. At the beginning they gave me goose bumps. In the middle they made me cry. I'm weird. I guess all of the songs -- Dumbo, Cinderella, Mary Poppins, etc. reminded me of being a little girl, and truthfully most of those memories will always make me cry.

I feel so numb right now. It's a way I wish I could feel all the time, actually. Numbness would be better than feeling everything to the extreme degree. I spent the first 24 years of my life beating down emotion... by ignoring it, and reaching for the junk food. Once I made the decision to lose weight, I found that the more pounds I lost, the more pain I felt and couldn't ignore anymore. That all sounds so dramatic and stupid. But now it feels like at 29, I feel all of the things -- from the past, from the present, the worries I have about the upcoming -- hitting me all at once, so I kind of always feel emotionally raw. When I was married, I made so many other things a priority over him/my marriage. School, friends, family, et

c. that I felt pretty numb, or cold, about him/the marriage. So when he did things that hurt me, or made me feel bad, it actually didn't matter because I didn't care. There are moments I wish I could feel that way in this relationship.

It seems I only write about the bad things I'm experiencing with him. That's pretty unfair, I suppose, but I seem to need to get things "out" when things are bad, and the only way I usually "release" emotionally, or whatever, is to write it all out. But it just isn't fair. So let me say that things are usually good. Most of the time things are better than I ever imagined a relationship being. And maybe the problem(s) are mine, and I'm the one who's broken and he's fine, and healthy, and I cause the issues. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like a textbook psych class study. All of my issues are pretty classic for a "survivor" of childhood sexual abuse. The issues with men, self-worth, abandonment, sexuality, weight, food, etc. I wonder if most guys are ill-equipped to "deal" with someone like me. Maybe not ill-equipped if I'm the broken one. I'm easily made to feel insecure about situations. That probably stems from a pretty low self-worth. This all sounds pretty ambiguous, huh? And it's our voyeuristic nature to want details. I know I'd want details if I were reading this, as an unrelated party.

I don't know who, or what to talk to anymore about the things that weigh on me. There used to be this (well, a previous generation of a blog, I guess), but then I learned that things on the internet can really only be used against you if someone will ill-will's given the chance. There was therapy, which was great, but got tiresome when it seemed like all fingers pointed back to one thing. You're scared becase you were molested. You were fat because you were molested. You seek the approval of men because... You're too sensitive because... You're afraid of your loved ones turning their backs on you because... You're uncomfortable with strangers touching you (non-sexually) because... And so on. It also got expensive, truth be told, and I'm le broke. In the wise words of Chris Martin/Coldplay, nobody said it was easy...

Oh, Coldplay, you ol' so-and-so's. You make my heart hurt bad, and no matter how much of a sellout everyone else thinks you are, I will love you for ever.

Ughhh. So. Largely miscommunication is why I feel so empty and numb right now. Let me state again, most of the time, my cup runneth over in terms of love. Right now I feel pretty over it, and distant. And cold. And numb. And dead inside. Alriiight.

Talk, talk, talk, talk.

I have my Pandora on. It's on the Arcade Fire station, but it just played Coldplay, which seems strange to me. Now it's playing a Radiohead song that makes me feel so sad. Maybe it's the "Stephanie already feels like the death so let's pile it on!" station. Sounds good, Pandora. Thanks.

I honestly can't devote any more energy to that right now. Whee, feeling like shit!

In other news, I've gained a little weight since I had to stop working out. I wasn't sure how much until I went to the doctor. Lame. I feel completely defeated. I was approved to exercise again, but then re-ripped my incision, so I'm trying to take it easy until it's healed back over again. Depressing!! I joined Weight Watchers online though. So, points! Yippee. I'm still figuring out that site, and the whole points system. I also got Bethenny Frankel's Naturally Thin and that Intuitive Eating book. I am not at all an intuitive eater. Hopefully I learn things.

Alright. Laundry and attempts to slink out of this funk.