Three Weeks Post-Op

Well, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I put on some Britney just now to keep me motivated to actually type out an entire post. I don't know where the lack of motivation to write in here comes from. Mostly I think it stems from not wanting to share too many personal details... because you know, the internet.

My incisions are getting better. The vertical incisions on my actual inner thighs are healed up well. The horizontal incisions in the crease of my thighs have some... "openings." That's what we're calling them. Basically I split the incisions open. Have I mentioned I'm a terrible patient. Because I lack patience. I haven't worked out or anything, but I've been more active than Dr. E would like. But, I went to see him today and he said they're looking better. I have to "pack" one of the "openings" with this iodine-coated gauze. It's gonna be a blast.

I am three weeks out from surgery so I get to start massaging my breasts. Hahaha. If I haven't mentioned this already, I got breast implants during the last surgery. I like them, but... I wasn't prepared for the increased amount of attention. I'm sure that sounds stupid, but it's like a big surprise to me that men can't seem to hide their  boob gaze. I don't see the fascination. They're lumps of flesh under my shirt. Who cares.

Well, clearly I care because if I didn't, I wouldn't have gotten them. I did it to even out my body. I have big hips. "Yay."

I miss my family, kind of. My cousin -- one who used to be as close as a sister, but in the last few years has become more like a stranger -- had a baby shower, and I'm missing out on all of those things -- family events, whatever. I don't plan on moving back to Omaha... ever. But I do miss them. Mostly just my dad. I wish he'd buy a house out here so there was even more of an excuse to come out. I don't really miss the rest of them. They're all insane.

My dog got groomed yesterday and she looks so ridiculously cute, it hurts. She's my entire heart, I swear.

Back to the family event thing... one nice thing about dating someone who's "local," is that his family is mostly all around so I get invited to all of his family events, and that's a nice substitute I suppose. Plus his family is way less crazy. Not that it's without issues. His family is religious. One of the big ones that some in the world make fun of. In case it isn't all that clear, I am not religious. He actually isn't either, but this is a fairly recent thing. So, I guess... sometimes I feel stressed out when I'm around them because I don't want them to count me out because I probably don't fit in their "ideal." I never fit in anyone's "ideal." Ha. That was a huge issue in my marriage -- his family hated me, and to me, it felt like he made no attempt to make that situation better. Let me be clear, boyfriend's family never makes me feel anything but totally welcome. I just hope internally they aren't wishing for someone better for him.

Aaaanyway. I had a taste of running this week. I was trying to pay for my stuff in a store when I remembered I forgot my wallet in my car -- midway through checking out. So, I RAN outside to get it, because there were lots of people behind me. And it felt so good! I mean, not 100% because of my dumb incisions, but it felt nice running without the extras (read: leftover skin. Gross). I cannot, CANNOT wait to get back into it. I have so many fitness goals this fall/summer. 5Ks, 10Ks, Half Marathons. Biathlons. Maybe triathlons. If I can learn how to swim. Oh yeah... I don't know how to swim.

I'm worried about running with fake boobs. I can't imagine it'll be reaaal comfortable. I need to invest in a good jog bra. I tried one on at Lululemon. That's where my small boobs bra is from, and it was comfy and great. This one was NOT. Siiigh.

In other news, and lastly, I may have found a job. Maaaay. Gosh, I freakin' hope so. I'm so flippin' bored. I feel like I shouldn't have written about it. Like, I'm gonna jinx myself. Pleaaaase God. Pleaaaaase. Mama's broke and misses pedicures and professional hair coloring. Oh, and my dog is way overdue for a visit to the vet. Priorities. I swear, she'll get to the vet before the other stuff. Don't call the ASPCA or PETA on me. I'm a good dog mom. Swears.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

In an hour and a half I'm going to get the drains out! This is usually the more relief after the surgeries. The stitches are great to get removed, too, but the drains are so very cumbersome.

I spent last weekend trying to enjoy being mobile, and being outside. I went with the boy and a girlfriend to Descano Gardens outside of Pasadena. It was lovely. As you'll see below...

Man, I love flowers. Aren't those so pretty? It made me want to be a wedding planner. It is (besides the beach) the most beautiful location for a wedding. 

My surgery was Wednesday, and it was paaainful. I woke up thinking "OH... this was a mistake." And the first four days after were brutal, but knowing in an hour my drains come out, makes me feel relieved and excited. 

For the first time in my life, I don't look at my body and think "Ugh, gross." I have put on a few pounds throughout this vacation from exercise, and I'm so so so looking forward to working them back off. With a couple months of hard work, I think I'll actually LOVE my body. What a concept! Blows my mind. 

I bought the book, "Intuitive Eating" because I cannot... CANNOT diet ever again. I loathe it. I also got Jillian Michaels' Hot Bod in a Box which is stuffed with 80-something different exercises. And come on! Jillian Michaels? She's pretty hardcore. Can't wait. 

I'm also kicking around the ideas of taking -- yoga, spinning, belly dancing, kettle bells, and CROSS FIT. Along with the usual running and cycling. And random cardio visits to the gym. Ohhh, I can't wait to get back in the groove. 

Because when I'm honest... all I wanna do is eat Mexican food and cookies. 

Ho-Hum

Happy Wednesday...

You're probably sick of hearing this countdown, but one week from today, at this moment, I'll be hanging out in the hospital post-surgery. I wish I could fast-forward it three weeks. 

I started my lady event today. Yeah, that one. I find this to be the most miserable 3-5 days of my month. I feel fat. Bloated. Crabby. Tired. Hungry. Easily annoyed. Blahhh. I plan to close this evening with some yummy sparkling white wine from Trader Joe's though... so there's that. Positives.

I feel so reluctant to share much on here. I guess I always fear someone I don't want reading it to find it, and sort of exploit it for his or her own gain. 

I've been unbelievably hungry for the last week or so. I think it's part hormones. Part boredom. Part depression. I need to get it in check... like a day ago though. I feel so anxious about eating like this, and not working out. I'll be 400 pounds before you know it. 

Lots of poor attitude today. 

I designed a logo for a friend's website today. It felt good to be doing something creative and contributory to something other than... total laziness. Blagghh... I feel so, so bored. I'm ready to just have a productive life again. 

All this whining... tell me to stop!

I made oatmeal white chocolate cranberry cookies. They are ridiculously good. I wish they weren't so good because I've eaten MANY of them. After all this crap is over, I'm going on a serious diet and making working out six times per week until I've lost these pounds I've gained in the last couple of months. 

I need to snap out of this FUNK! 

Berries 'n Boobs

Next and final surgery is two weeks from tomorrow away. I cannot, cannot wait for it all to be overrr. I feel like my entire life's been on hold for the last four months. And, well, it has. I cannot wait to get back to working out/running/cycling/yoga/etc. I cannot wait to find a new job and have a normal schedule. I cannot wait to NOT be all wrapped up. I'm so sick of having compression garments on my arms, and midsection. It completely sucks. Whine, whine, whine. This last surgery is a thigh lift, and breast augmentation. I can't remember if I've mentioned that. And no, not going real big. Just trying to even my body out.

My eating lately has been pretty good. Although... I have been having intense cravings for chocolate, as this is psycho hormonal girl time. Whee. For breakfast I had one of those small Western Alternative sweet wheat bagels? 110 calories. Toasted with peanut butter. I also had a container of Fage Greek yogurt in Cherry Flavor (Oh, Mama... I love these things so much! But $1.79 per container sucks!), and a bowl of blackberries and raspberries. For lunch, some combination of a soy chicken patty sandwich on Orowheat sandwich thin with hummus, salad, soup, frozen sweet potato fries. Dinner is white bean bruschetta. I'll try to take a picture of that... it looks good! Man. That's the thing. I have a hard time remembering to photograph my food. I need to make a better effort about that.

I'm so looking forward to this summer. I've never worn JUST a swimsuit. Any swimsuit. Maybe when I was a little kid. My goal, but the end of summer, is to be able to wear a swimsuit and feel confident in it. It will require a little time in the gym because I don't feel so toned. Especially with all of this time off of working out. I'm just trying to maintain order in my life until I can really return to normal. It's much harder than I would have anticipated.

I was a sailor for Halloween. 

Two Weeks & Six Days

That's how long until my next, and final I might add, surgery. This surgery is a thigh lift and a breast augmentation. How is it at all fair that the first place I lose weight is my chest. I have wide hips, so the fakies will balance out my body. Hopefully. There have been comments from my friends about joining the ranks of Heidi Montag. Um, no. I can't imagine becoming "addicted" to plastic surgery. I can't imagine signing up for unneccessary surgeries. It's a long, torturous, painful, uncomfortable, boring, expensive process. Why would anyone choose to be laid up for weeks and months. Bleh. I'll be celebrating when I can be done with this.

On the other hand, I have the most amazing surgeon ever. He's got a great bedside manner, and he performs miracles. If I didn't mind making any potential reader vomit after seeing the excess losing approximately 200 pounds leaves, I'd post the before and afters. They. Are. Scary.

This perfectly expresses my boredom with the entire process.

Sorry for the extended abscence. I haven't had much to talk about, but at the same time I feel like there's a tremendous amount of stuff on my mind. My entire life's on hold until these sugeries are over, and I'm returned to at least relatively normal activities. This means I have no job!

I graduated in December, and have done virtually nothing since. It's been nice to have some time to release the pressure cooker of stress within, but at the same time I am so ready to get going on this pricy, ill-timed career. For anyone unfamiliar, I got my bachelors degree in Interior Design. "In this economy..." my industry is sloooow moooving, and design and architecture firms let massive amounts of people go, and apparently for now, are choosing to stay lean and mean. I'm hoping in June/July, when I'm looking hard, I'll find something quick and be able to feel like a functioning adult again.

I feel like a loser. My friends are all gainfully employed now, and I'm like... sitting at home, wrapped up in bandages, watching shitty daytime TV and scouring the want ads, but hoping nothing too great pops up because I couldn't work full time really until the beginning of July. Man.

What else. It's my ex-husband's birthday today. He turned 30. We started dating around his 20th birthday. So, it's been ten years since then (way to go, genius!) and I feel a little sad today. I remember being real excited about dating an "older" boy. That whole 14 months made a world of difference, you know. He was a boy back then. And I was a girl. We were clueless. I guess that's what makes me sad. Because had anyone told Stephanie of 2000, "Hey... you'll marry this kid, and then in 10 years, you won't even be speaking." I would have thought they were crazy. I sent him a quick text wishing him a happy birthday. I expected nothing in return as it's been awhile since I've heard a peep out of him. He wrote back, courteously, saying thanks. Bleh. I guess I don't get how it got to this point. I wish I'd been smart enough not to let it deteriorate the way it did. Moreso meaning I wish we hadn't gone down the marriage path when we did. We were too young. We weren't ready. We had an extensive list of issues that should have been dealt with before (or if) we ever got married. The part that is sad to me, is that I got married with the intention of staying married. Of starting a family, and being faithful, and none of that went the way intended.

Other than that, this boyfriend of mine broke his leg (fibula) playing softball. How? Sliding into second base. Yes, he was safe. No, they didn't win.

He has a purple cast. My favorite color is purple. Cute.

This is my ridiculously cute dog, Chloe. She says hello.

Tuck the Tummy

A week ago today I had an abdominoplasty, or tummy tuck. I feel a whole hell of a lot better than I did seven days ago, but I'm still largely uncomfortable. The two drains that drain the fluid from the area operated on are in the creases of my legs -- where the legs meet the trunk. Not great places as far as comfort goes. My surgeon's office was supposed to call today to check the drain numbers to see if I could get the drains removed. I waaant them out so bad. I called at ten minutes to one and the office manager said the surgeon's nurse was at lunch. It's now 2:20 and I haven't heard anything back. I'm going to call again in a bit if I haven't heard anything.

Anyway... losing around 200 pounds wreaks havoc on a body. I carried a lot of weight in my mid-section so my stomach looked like a horror movie involving melted bodies. This tummy tuck was the second step in a three-step body transformation. In February I had an arm lift and breast lift. I'm thrilled with the results of those, so I'm hopeful that I'll be pleased with the outcome of this tummy tuck and the upcoming (five more weeks) thigh lift.

Intense, right?

I am not a good patient. For the most part I follow doctor's orders, but I HATE bed-rest. I get so bored. I do fine the first 3-4 days because I'm so drugged up. After that I'm bored, lonely, crabby. For the first surgery, I had to sit/lie in bed for weeks with my arms wrapped up and above my chest. For this one I'm supposed to sit/lie in bed in a "lounge chair" position. Basically, my head and back are supported by four pillows, and my legs are up on three pillows. It's better than having my arms propped up, but it's also getting annoying. It's funny the little things you take for granted -- showering, lying flat on your back, or on your side, walking briskly, and comfortably. Going to the gym. I'm estimating that I won't be permitted to work out until sometime in July. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, that stresses me out.

My stomach and upper legs are still very swollen. I know it's only been a week, but I worry that the swelling will just never go away. I'm kind of crazy, in case that hasn't been obvious.

I have a ton of books to read in this extended down time. I'm currently reading it sucked and then i cried by Heather B. Armstrong of Dooce.com. It's really funny so far, but it's scaring the hell out of me. Pregnancy sounds entirely awful.

Tonight I'm watching the BF hit some balls at a batting cage and then play softball with his friends from business school. Aw, precious. Hopefully I'll have the energy and strength to be out and about for a few hours tonight. Yesterday I was completely exhausted and had no desire to do anything.

Just spoke to my surgeon's nurse. Drains will come out tomorrow morning. Dang. I was hoping they'd come out today.