One of my college professors for News Writing & Reporting said I was an inconsistent writer. Either good or bad. He could tell when I didn't put the effort into the stories. He said when I put effort into them, I had a way of conveying emotion to the reader that journalists often have trouble with but this was a good thing -- the "trouble" with it, because conveying emotion shows a connection to the story by the writer, and journalism is about telling the news objectively. I'm not an objective person. I'm way too emotional about mostly everything.
For instance, for no logical reason, I bawled my eyes out at the fireworks show at Disneyland last night. I guess they were just so good. At the beginning they gave me goose bumps. In the middle they made me cry. I'm weird. I guess all of the songs -- Dumbo, Cinderella, Mary Poppins, etc. reminded me of being a little girl, and truthfully most of those memories will always make me cry.
I feel so numb right now. It's a way I wish I could feel all the time, actually. Numbness would be better than feeling everything to the extreme degree. I spent the first 24 years of my life beating down emotion... by ignoring it, and reaching for the junk food. Once I made the decision to lose weight, I found that the more pounds I lost, the more pain I felt and couldn't ignore anymore. That all sounds so dramatic and stupid. But now it feels like at 29, I feel all of the things -- from the past, from the present, the worries I have about the upcoming -- hitting me all at once, so I kind of always feel emotionally raw. When I was married, I made so many other things a priority over him/my marriage. School, friends, family, et
c. that I felt pretty numb, or cold, about him/the marriage. So when he did things that hurt me, or made me feel bad, it actually didn't matter because I didn't care. There are moments I wish I could feel that way in this relationship.
It seems I only write about the bad things I'm experiencing with him. That's pretty unfair, I suppose, but I seem to need to get things "out" when things are bad, and the only way I usually "release" emotionally, or whatever, is to write it all out. But it just isn't fair. So let me say that things are usually good. Most of the time things are better than I ever imagined a relationship being. And maybe the problem(s) are mine, and I'm the one who's broken and he's fine, and healthy, and I cause the issues. I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like a textbook psych class study. All of my issues are pretty classic for a "survivor" of childhood sexual abuse. The issues with men, self-worth, abandonment, sexuality, weight, food, etc. I wonder if most guys are ill-equipped to "deal" with someone like me. Maybe not ill-equipped if I'm the broken one. I'm easily made to feel insecure about situations. That probably stems from a pretty low self-worth. This all sounds pretty ambiguous, huh? And it's our voyeuristic nature to want details. I know I'd want details if I were reading this, as an unrelated party.
I don't know who, or what to talk to anymore about the things that weigh on me. There used to be this (well, a previous generation of a blog, I guess), but then I learned that things on the internet can really only be used against you if someone will ill-will's given the chance. There was therapy, which was great, but got tiresome when it seemed like all fingers pointed back to one thing. You're scared becase you were molested. You were fat because you were molested. You seek the approval of men because... You're too sensitive because... You're afraid of your loved ones turning their backs on you because... You're uncomfortable with strangers touching you (non-sexually) because... And so on. It also got expensive, truth be told, and I'm le broke. In the wise words of Chris Martin/Coldplay, nobody said it was easy...
Oh, Coldplay, you ol' so-and-so's. You make my heart hurt bad, and no matter how much of a sellout everyone else thinks you are, I will love you for ever.
Ughhh. So. Largely miscommunication is why I feel so empty and numb right now. Let me state again, most of the time, my cup runneth over in terms of love. Right now I feel pretty over it, and distant. And cold. And numb. And dead inside. Alriiight.
Talk, talk, talk, talk.
I have my Pandora on. It's on the Arcade Fire station, but it just played Coldplay, which seems strange to me. Now it's playing a Radiohead song that makes me feel so sad. Maybe it's the "Stephanie already feels like the death so let's pile it on!" station. Sounds good, Pandora. Thanks.
I honestly can't devote any more energy to that right now. Whee, feeling like shit!
In other news, I've gained a little weight since I had to stop working out. I wasn't sure how much until I went to the doctor. Lame. I feel completely defeated. I was approved to exercise again, but then re-ripped my incision, so I'm trying to take it easy until it's healed back over again. Depressing!! I joined Weight Watchers online though. So, points! Yippee. I'm still figuring out that site, and the whole points system. I also got Bethenny Frankel's Naturally Thin and that Intuitive Eating book. I am not at all an intuitive eater. Hopefully I learn things.
Alright. Laundry and attempts to slink out of this funk.
7 hours ago
