Three Weeks Post-Op

Well, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I put on some Britney just now to keep me motivated to actually type out an entire post. I don't know where the lack of motivation to write in here comes from. Mostly I think it stems from not wanting to share too many personal details... because you know, the internet.

My incisions are getting better. The vertical incisions on my actual inner thighs are healed up well. The horizontal incisions in the crease of my thighs have some... "openings." That's what we're calling them. Basically I split the incisions open. Have I mentioned I'm a terrible patient. Because I lack patience. I haven't worked out or anything, but I've been more active than Dr. E would like. But, I went to see him today and he said they're looking better. I have to "pack" one of the "openings" with this iodine-coated gauze. It's gonna be a blast.

I am three weeks out from surgery so I get to start massaging my breasts. Hahaha. If I haven't mentioned this already, I got breast implants during the last surgery. I like them, but... I wasn't prepared for the increased amount of attention. I'm sure that sounds stupid, but it's like a big surprise to me that men can't seem to hide their  boob gaze. I don't see the fascination. They're lumps of flesh under my shirt. Who cares.

Well, clearly I care because if I didn't, I wouldn't have gotten them. I did it to even out my body. I have big hips. "Yay."

I miss my family, kind of. My cousin -- one who used to be as close as a sister, but in the last few years has become more like a stranger -- had a baby shower, and I'm missing out on all of those things -- family events, whatever. I don't plan on moving back to Omaha... ever. But I do miss them. Mostly just my dad. I wish he'd buy a house out here so there was even more of an excuse to come out. I don't really miss the rest of them. They're all insane.

My dog got groomed yesterday and she looks so ridiculously cute, it hurts. She's my entire heart, I swear.

Back to the family event thing... one nice thing about dating someone who's "local," is that his family is mostly all around so I get invited to all of his family events, and that's a nice substitute I suppose. Plus his family is way less crazy. Not that it's without issues. His family is religious. One of the big ones that some in the world make fun of. In case it isn't all that clear, I am not religious. He actually isn't either, but this is a fairly recent thing. So, I guess... sometimes I feel stressed out when I'm around them because I don't want them to count me out because I probably don't fit in their "ideal." I never fit in anyone's "ideal." Ha. That was a huge issue in my marriage -- his family hated me, and to me, it felt like he made no attempt to make that situation better. Let me be clear, boyfriend's family never makes me feel anything but totally welcome. I just hope internally they aren't wishing for someone better for him.

Aaaanyway. I had a taste of running this week. I was trying to pay for my stuff in a store when I remembered I forgot my wallet in my car -- midway through checking out. So, I RAN outside to get it, because there were lots of people behind me. And it felt so good! I mean, not 100% because of my dumb incisions, but it felt nice running without the extras (read: leftover skin. Gross). I cannot, CANNOT wait to get back into it. I have so many fitness goals this fall/summer. 5Ks, 10Ks, Half Marathons. Biathlons. Maybe triathlons. If I can learn how to swim. Oh yeah... I don't know how to swim.

I'm worried about running with fake boobs. I can't imagine it'll be reaaal comfortable. I need to invest in a good jog bra. I tried one on at Lululemon. That's where my small boobs bra is from, and it was comfy and great. This one was NOT. Siiigh.

In other news, and lastly, I may have found a job. Maaaay. Gosh, I freakin' hope so. I'm so flippin' bored. I feel like I shouldn't have written about it. Like, I'm gonna jinx myself. Pleaaaase God. Pleaaaaase. Mama's broke and misses pedicures and professional hair coloring. Oh, and my dog is way overdue for a visit to the vet. Priorities. I swear, she'll get to the vet before the other stuff. Don't call the ASPCA or PETA on me. I'm a good dog mom. Swears.

And If You Don't Love Me Let Me Go

Depending on the day you ask me, I'll either boast about how great my life is and happy completely, utterly, over-the-moon happy I am, or I'll be a crumpled pile of tears about the disaster I've let my life become. My life, and the vehicle living it (me) have changed tremendously in the last three or four years - mentally, emotionally, physically, and every other possible way. Sometimes I don't know how to keep it going at an even pace.

Today's one of those disaster days.

I grew up in the midwest. Only child to divorced parents. Sexually abused by a family member. Dad cheated on mom. Married the woman he cheated with. Graduated from high school, went to college, married the only serious boyfriend I ever had. Gained a million pounds. Lost a million pounds. Moved to the west coast. Separated from husband. Finished my degree in something I really felt passionate about. Told my parents about being molested. In the process of getting massive amounts of plastic surgery done to correct the obsecene amounts of excess skin leftover from tremenous weight loss. Also in the process of dating someone.

See, I don't know how to give a little. I end up needing to give background on every little thing. Let me try again.

My name is Stephanie, and I'm 29. I'm a mess most of the time. I'm taking care of myself for the first time in my life, and it's terrifying, and hard, and sad. It's terrifying and hard because I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and it feels like at 29, I should no longer be "winging it." It's sad because I liked going through life with a partner... being responsible for each other. Feeling like my well-being mattered to someone else. I think being an only child with a horrible secret, to divorced parents, I've spent my entire life alone, and for the brief time I was married, I didn't feel alone. It felt like the first time someone was taking me into consideration with regards to everything. He was the wrong partner for me, though. Maybe there is no "right" partner, as I seem to be pretty terrible in all things regarding relationships. I'll likely get into that soon enough.

I think people who were abused as kids either shut down emotionally, or amp it up. I guess I'm on the amp it up end. I'm hyper-sensitive. I'm easily hurt. It seems to be a huge problem for everyone in my life, and they all quickly lose patience, so inevitably they treat me poorly because what does it matter? I'll be hurt and disappointed no matter what they do. God, I feel so sad today.

I suppose sitting here and dwelling on it is making me feel worse, but I need it to be out of my head, and heart, because all I feel right now is physical pain in my chest. I wish I could be one of those cold, emotions-turned-off people. My dad is one. Turns out my boyfriend is, too. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense I was attracted to the BF. I think he was good at pretending to be this all-feeling creature when we met. It felt like we clicked so much on that level. Now I see him for what he is, which is cold and distant, exactly like the father I spent my entire life trying to get to open up to me, and let me in, and love me, and make me feel like I mattered. Now I'm 29, and doing the same thing with him. Sigh...

That all was entirely too depressing, and makes me sound like the most dreadful person in existence. I just made myself dinner. As I mentioned earlier, I've lost a ton of weight (approximately 200 pounds) and I've been trying to eat what I want within healthy limitations. It's kind of hard. Tonight I made myself what I'm convinced is the most delicious sandwich, a salad, and yogurt.

The salad is a big bowl filled with spring mix, a persian cucumber sliced, a quarter of a red bell pepper cut into chunks, a handful of baby carrots and a slight drizzle of Trader Joe's Balsalmic. The sandwich is an Orowheat Sandwich Thin (whole wheat) with a smear of Oasis Jalapeno Cilantro hummus on each side, a Boca Spicy Chick'n meatless patty, and a slice of pepperjack cheese. The Sandwich Thin is toasted. Oh, it's delicious. The yogurt is Siggi's Icelandic Style non-fat yogurt in Orange & Ginger. The ginger is quite prominent.

I'm trying to get into the habit of photographing my food for my health & wellness blog (http://purpleasics.blogspot.com/), but this may end up absorbing that blog anyway. Who knows. I certainly don't. I just need to have a place where I can actually talk about how I'm feeling without the person listening making me feel like a terrible, and/or insane person.

Sorry for the poor quality of the photo. It was taken with my Blackberry. I'll try to get in the habit of using my digital camera in the future so the food may actually end up looking appetizing.

This sandwich is delicious. Try it immediately. It's spicy and perfect. Yum.

In closing (tangent - I remember when I was taught how to properly write papers in junior high where you had an intro word in every paragraph -- First, Next, Then, In closing, etc. It was very formulaic. I notice myself forgetting how to write sometimes. It comes out very mechanical and awkward but I'll leave it!) Where were we? Oh yes, "in closing..." My dog is the absolute best dog in the entire world. I'd be an even bigger mess without her. She's the most amazing companion, and she's the only thing that makes my chest hurt a little less sometimes. She loves when I share carrots and apples with her. She loves cuddling up close when we sleep. She loves tummy rubs. She's happiest when we're walking in the sunshine. I love her so much.

Her eyes look glowingly rabid here, but I promise she's about the cutest dog-cat mutant you've ever seen.