Thank God It's Friday, Even When You're Unemployed

Ohhh, dear. I'm so glad it's Friday, but I'm not sure why. Every day of the week is the same for me right now. Speaking of jobs. I was supposed to hear from Potential Employer B by today. Did not. Taking it as a bad sign.

Ohhhh, depression!

Today, despite not getting the good (or even bad) news was good. I finished laundry and met the boy for lunch at Opah, which is fantastic every single time. If you're ever in the Orange County (California) area, please check it out. It's amazing. I ate too much bread while waiting for entrée though. What's new.

Then I stopped by my very much missed and beloved Irvine Spectrum. Walked into Old Navy to see if they still had these shirts I got one of a couple of weeks ago. They did, but mostly in XS and XXL. I'm a Medium. So that's annoying.

BUT! Old Navy is having a teacher and student appreciation weekend! 25% off your entire purchase if you can provide a student or teacher ID. I graduated in December, but you know this girl's still got her ID. So, I saved some money on my purchases, which is always nice. I got a cute cardigan for my job interview Wednesday. I also got a couple of t-shirts, and some running shorts, and a pair of jeans. And a cute Chicago Cubs t shirt for the boy. He's going to be a Cubs fan. I deem it so. (Probably not. He doesn't even really like baseball, but a girl can dream).

So... I really need to either use this or the other blog as my food and exercise blog. I haven't been recording what I eat, or anything. I'd like to try to get that done starting Monday. Mondayyy!!!!

Tonight I'm going to see Toy Story 3 with BF and his kids. What?! Kids?! Yeaaah. It's cool. I'm adjusting.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to the County Fair! Woohooo. That'll be fun. I mean, corn on the cob and other horrible-for-you food will be great. Some rides. Some sun. Crowds are no bueno though.

So I've just purchased a domain! For my design website. Exciiiiting. I don't know how to build websites though. I'm sure I'll get some help from someone. I should have learned how to do that in school or something. Learning something useful would have been good.

My dad is flying back to the OMA from Australia today. He's so international. I wish I had gotten a degree in something viable! Man.

OH! I forgot. Tonight -- after the movie and such, I'm going to the gym. Yeaaah. Friday night work out. Winnerr!

Surely a Record

How sad is it that there is really no one that would be suitable to talk to any sort of negative things in my life about. This isn't to say I don't have friends, because I do. They're just either wrapped up in their own trials, or likely not to offer great advice. Most of them would probably say "you should bail." I don't know where the line is, actually. This is worth it vs. this is not worth it. It's been a shitty day. I've never felt, without a doubt in my mind, more disconnected from him than I do right now. He feels like a stranger.

I wish I could actually share all the gory details so someone could read it and tell me if I'm unreasonable, or crazy, which is how I'm often made to feel throughout these bumps we frequently run into. He's sick of talking, and it's the only way I work through things. He can ignore painful things, and "turn them off." I spent a lifetime doing that and it didn't work well for me. Quite the opposite actually.

There are these days where I wish I could just... float away in the ocean. Not die, or anything. Just float away, with no one, nothing, no identification, no means of being contacted by anyone I know. Where every single thing in my life would just fade away, and disappear, and I could continue living my life how I want to, where I want to, with whomever I want.

This is an ongoing issue of mine... this unrealistic wishing. My horoscope says it's because I'm a Pisces so I'm prone to day dreaming. My therapist says it's a coping mechanism. I seem to have lots and lots of coping mechanisms, yet I'm not coping very well... so unsuccessful coping mechanisms.

It's 11:52 PM. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, yet I know I won't be sleeping any time soon because my brain runs and runs and runs. And when it feels like this? Forget about it. He'll "turn it off" and sleep like a baby probably.

This somewhat recent thing is how every time I'm really upset I hyperventilate and have strange jumpy heart palpitations. You're pretty jealous, I'm sure. Yeah, I have no idea what it's about, but it's just... maybe some kind of anxiety thing... or panic attack? Who knows, really. And it doesn't matter anyway.

I was talking to a friend of mine this afternoon. She's recently separated... she moved out of their condo in May. They haven't filed for divorce, and it sounds a little messy, but she overall sounded good, and excited about this fresh start, and the ability to take her life in her desired direction. I felt a little envious, but then I thought... that's dumb. I can take my life in any direction I want, too.  I think I need to spend some time sorting that all out.

Inconsistent Writer

One of my college professors for News Writing & Reporting said I was an inconsistent writer. Either good or bad. He could tell when I didn't put the effort into the stories. He said when I put effort into them, I had a way of conveying emotion to the reader that journalists often have trouble with but this was a good thing -- the "trouble" with it, because conveying emotion shows a connection to the story by the writer, and journalism is about telling the news objectively. I'm not an objective person. I'm way too emotional about mostly everything.

For instance, for no logical reason, I bawled my eyes out at the fireworks show at Disneyland last night. I guess they were just so good. At the beginning they gave me goose bumps. In the middle they made me cry. I'm weird. I guess all of the songs -- Dumbo, Cinderella, Mary Poppins, etc. reminded me of being a little girl, and truthfully most of those memories will always make me cry.

I feel so numb right now. It's a way I wish I could feel all the time, actually. Numbness would be better than feeling everything to the extreme degree. I spent the first 24 years of my life beating down emotion... by ignoring it, and reaching for the junk food. Once I made the decision to lose weight, I found that the more pounds I lost, the more pain I felt and couldn't ignore anymore. That all sounds so dramatic and stupid. But now it feels like at 29, I feel all of the things -- from the past, from the present, the worries I have about the upcoming -- hitting me all at once, so I kind of always feel emotionally raw. When I was married, I made so many other things a priority over him/my marriage. School, friends, family, et

c. that I felt pretty numb, or cold, about him/the marriage. So when he did things that hurt me, or made me feel bad, it actually didn't matter because I didn't care. There are moments I wish I could feel that way in this relationship.

It seems I only write about the bad things I'm experiencing with him. That's pretty unfair, I suppose, but I seem to need to get things "out" when things are bad, and the only way I usually "release" emotionally, or whatever, is to write it all out. But it just isn't fair. So let me say that things are usually good. Most of the time things are better than I ever imagined a relationship being. And maybe the problem(s) are mine, and I'm the one who's broken and he's fine, and healthy, and I cause the issues. I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like a textbook psych class study. All of my issues are pretty classic for a "survivor" of childhood sexual abuse. The issues with men, self-worth, abandonment, sexuality, weight, food, etc. I wonder if most guys are ill-equipped to "deal" with someone like me. Maybe not ill-equipped if I'm the broken one. I'm easily made to feel insecure about situations. That probably stems from a pretty low self-worth. This all sounds pretty ambiguous, huh? And it's our voyeuristic nature to want details. I know I'd want details if I were reading this, as an unrelated party.

I don't know who, or what to talk to anymore about the things that weigh on me. There used to be this (well, a previous generation of a blog, I guess), but then I learned that things on the internet can really only be used against you if someone will ill-will's given the chance. There was therapy, which was great, but got tiresome when it seemed like all fingers pointed back to one thing. You're scared becase you were molested. You were fat because you were molested. You seek the approval of men because... You're too sensitive because... You're afraid of your loved ones turning their backs on you because... You're uncomfortable with strangers touching you (non-sexually) because... And so on. It also got expensive, truth be told, and I'm le broke. In the wise words of Chris Martin/Coldplay, nobody said it was easy...

Oh, Coldplay, you ol' so-and-so's. You make my heart hurt bad, and no matter how much of a sellout everyone else thinks you are, I will love you for ever.

Ughhh. So. Largely miscommunication is why I feel so empty and numb right now. Let me state again, most of the time, my cup runneth over in terms of love. Right now I feel pretty over it, and distant. And cold. And numb. And dead inside. Alriiight.

Talk, talk, talk, talk.

I have my Pandora on. It's on the Arcade Fire station, but it just played Coldplay, which seems strange to me. Now it's playing a Radiohead song that makes me feel so sad. Maybe it's the "Stephanie already feels like the death so let's pile it on!" station. Sounds good, Pandora. Thanks.

I honestly can't devote any more energy to that right now. Whee, feeling like shit!

In other news, I've gained a little weight since I had to stop working out. I wasn't sure how much until I went to the doctor. Lame. I feel completely defeated. I was approved to exercise again, but then re-ripped my incision, so I'm trying to take it easy until it's healed back over again. Depressing!! I joined Weight Watchers online though. So, points! Yippee. I'm still figuring out that site, and the whole points system. I also got Bethenny Frankel's Naturally Thin and that Intuitive Eating book. I am not at all an intuitive eater. Hopefully I learn things.

Alright. Laundry and attempts to slink out of this funk.

Three Weeks Post-Op

Well, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I put on some Britney just now to keep me motivated to actually type out an entire post. I don't know where the lack of motivation to write in here comes from. Mostly I think it stems from not wanting to share too many personal details... because you know, the internet.

My incisions are getting better. The vertical incisions on my actual inner thighs are healed up well. The horizontal incisions in the crease of my thighs have some... "openings." That's what we're calling them. Basically I split the incisions open. Have I mentioned I'm a terrible patient. Because I lack patience. I haven't worked out or anything, but I've been more active than Dr. E would like. But, I went to see him today and he said they're looking better. I have to "pack" one of the "openings" with this iodine-coated gauze. It's gonna be a blast.

I am three weeks out from surgery so I get to start massaging my breasts. Hahaha. If I haven't mentioned this already, I got breast implants during the last surgery. I like them, but... I wasn't prepared for the increased amount of attention. I'm sure that sounds stupid, but it's like a big surprise to me that men can't seem to hide their  boob gaze. I don't see the fascination. They're lumps of flesh under my shirt. Who cares.

Well, clearly I care because if I didn't, I wouldn't have gotten them. I did it to even out my body. I have big hips. "Yay."

I miss my family, kind of. My cousin -- one who used to be as close as a sister, but in the last few years has become more like a stranger -- had a baby shower, and I'm missing out on all of those things -- family events, whatever. I don't plan on moving back to Omaha... ever. But I do miss them. Mostly just my dad. I wish he'd buy a house out here so there was even more of an excuse to come out. I don't really miss the rest of them. They're all insane.

My dog got groomed yesterday and she looks so ridiculously cute, it hurts. She's my entire heart, I swear.

Back to the family event thing... one nice thing about dating someone who's "local," is that his family is mostly all around so I get invited to all of his family events, and that's a nice substitute I suppose. Plus his family is way less crazy. Not that it's without issues. His family is religious. One of the big ones that some in the world make fun of. In case it isn't all that clear, I am not religious. He actually isn't either, but this is a fairly recent thing. So, I guess... sometimes I feel stressed out when I'm around them because I don't want them to count me out because I probably don't fit in their "ideal." I never fit in anyone's "ideal." Ha. That was a huge issue in my marriage -- his family hated me, and to me, it felt like he made no attempt to make that situation better. Let me be clear, boyfriend's family never makes me feel anything but totally welcome. I just hope internally they aren't wishing for someone better for him.

Aaaanyway. I had a taste of running this week. I was trying to pay for my stuff in a store when I remembered I forgot my wallet in my car -- midway through checking out. So, I RAN outside to get it, because there were lots of people behind me. And it felt so good! I mean, not 100% because of my dumb incisions, but it felt nice running without the extras (read: leftover skin. Gross). I cannot, CANNOT wait to get back into it. I have so many fitness goals this fall/summer. 5Ks, 10Ks, Half Marathons. Biathlons. Maybe triathlons. If I can learn how to swim. Oh yeah... I don't know how to swim.

I'm worried about running with fake boobs. I can't imagine it'll be reaaal comfortable. I need to invest in a good jog bra. I tried one on at Lululemon. That's where my small boobs bra is from, and it was comfy and great. This one was NOT. Siiigh.

In other news, and lastly, I may have found a job. Maaaay. Gosh, I freakin' hope so. I'm so flippin' bored. I feel like I shouldn't have written about it. Like, I'm gonna jinx myself. Pleaaaase God. Pleaaaaase. Mama's broke and misses pedicures and professional hair coloring. Oh, and my dog is way overdue for a visit to the vet. Priorities. I swear, she'll get to the vet before the other stuff. Don't call the ASPCA or PETA on me. I'm a good dog mom. Swears.

Two Weeks & Six Days

That's how long until my next, and final I might add, surgery. This surgery is a thigh lift and a breast augmentation. How is it at all fair that the first place I lose weight is my chest. I have wide hips, so the fakies will balance out my body. Hopefully. There have been comments from my friends about joining the ranks of Heidi Montag. Um, no. I can't imagine becoming "addicted" to plastic surgery. I can't imagine signing up for unneccessary surgeries. It's a long, torturous, painful, uncomfortable, boring, expensive process. Why would anyone choose to be laid up for weeks and months. Bleh. I'll be celebrating when I can be done with this.

On the other hand, I have the most amazing surgeon ever. He's got a great bedside manner, and he performs miracles. If I didn't mind making any potential reader vomit after seeing the excess losing approximately 200 pounds leaves, I'd post the before and afters. They. Are. Scary.

This perfectly expresses my boredom with the entire process.

Sorry for the extended abscence. I haven't had much to talk about, but at the same time I feel like there's a tremendous amount of stuff on my mind. My entire life's on hold until these sugeries are over, and I'm returned to at least relatively normal activities. This means I have no job!

I graduated in December, and have done virtually nothing since. It's been nice to have some time to release the pressure cooker of stress within, but at the same time I am so ready to get going on this pricy, ill-timed career. For anyone unfamiliar, I got my bachelors degree in Interior Design. "In this economy..." my industry is sloooow moooving, and design and architecture firms let massive amounts of people go, and apparently for now, are choosing to stay lean and mean. I'm hoping in June/July, when I'm looking hard, I'll find something quick and be able to feel like a functioning adult again.

I feel like a loser. My friends are all gainfully employed now, and I'm like... sitting at home, wrapped up in bandages, watching shitty daytime TV and scouring the want ads, but hoping nothing too great pops up because I couldn't work full time really until the beginning of July. Man.

What else. It's my ex-husband's birthday today. He turned 30. We started dating around his 20th birthday. So, it's been ten years since then (way to go, genius!) and I feel a little sad today. I remember being real excited about dating an "older" boy. That whole 14 months made a world of difference, you know. He was a boy back then. And I was a girl. We were clueless. I guess that's what makes me sad. Because had anyone told Stephanie of 2000, "Hey... you'll marry this kid, and then in 10 years, you won't even be speaking." I would have thought they were crazy. I sent him a quick text wishing him a happy birthday. I expected nothing in return as it's been awhile since I've heard a peep out of him. He wrote back, courteously, saying thanks. Bleh. I guess I don't get how it got to this point. I wish I'd been smart enough not to let it deteriorate the way it did. Moreso meaning I wish we hadn't gone down the marriage path when we did. We were too young. We weren't ready. We had an extensive list of issues that should have been dealt with before (or if) we ever got married. The part that is sad to me, is that I got married with the intention of staying married. Of starting a family, and being faithful, and none of that went the way intended.

Other than that, this boyfriend of mine broke his leg (fibula) playing softball. How? Sliding into second base. Yes, he was safe. No, they didn't win.

He has a purple cast. My favorite color is purple. Cute.

This is my ridiculously cute dog, Chloe. She says hello.

Breakfast in Bed

I'm sitting in bed, on a warm, sunny Sunday. I have my dog curled up at the foot of the bed, my laptop in my... lap, my breakfast on the night stand next to me, and the Sunday paper fanned out on the bed next to me. I keep asking myself "why am I watching the Hills?" Wow, it's a terrible show. However, I'd like to have Lauren Conrad's hair. Even if she is blonde.

Oh! But my breakfast! You must hear about this breakfast.

A cinnamon roll from Sprouts, a small bowl of cut up strawberries, and a Trader Joe's Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt (Pomegranate). Ohhh, wow. It's all pretty amazing. I know that cinnamon roll is a calorie, sugar, and fat bomb, but I've decided to allow myself a breakfast treat once a week -- a donut, a cinnamon roll, or bagel. Carbs are my weakness. Once a week is okay, and will keep me honest the rest of the week. The strawberries are a little weak. Really red and juicy, but not... sweet? It's odd. The yogurt is on its last day or two. I have a ton of yogurt (all Greek-style) to work through in my fridge.

So, I had a tummy tuck last Tuesday and was prescribed vicodin for the pain. I took two last night before bed. Every night since I've been on vicodin I've had horrible, vivid, violent nightmares. I woke up this morning crying. It makes me a) not want to sleep or b) not take the vicodin. Neither are really an option at this point. I have a hard time getting comfortable in bed without the vicodin because I feel a stinging pain at the incision. Waking up alone after I've had a terrible nightmare makes it that much worse.

Anyway.

I never thought I'd date someone with kids. I've had friends who have dated men with kids, and no matter how fun it was at first, it inevitably wasn't worth it. I think the boyfriend is great. I think his kids are cute, and sometimes they're fun to be around. I guess this is how I think about it. I'm 29, and unattached for the first time in a long time. I will probably have kids someday (or maybe never... getting older by the second), and right now I feel like it's completely acceptable to want to be selfish and sleep in on the weekends, and not have a set of 5-year-olds dictate how I spend my weekend from where and what's eaten for dinner, to what's watched on TV or in the movie theater.

And I'm more than allowed to have all that, except not if I want to spend the time with my boyfriend. In order to have him and spend time with him, I have to (as he puts it) let go of that selfishness and enjoy life with all of them. I've tried, honestly. I've spent time doing things I don't particularly enjoy because at least I get to spend time with him. I guess deep down, or... not even so deep down, it feels unfair of him to tell me I need to be less selfish. I don't think I need to be. I think I have every right to be selfish. I'm not the one with kids. I'm not the one tied down here. Then it keeps coming back to am I willing to "let go" of all the selfishness to be in  his life. Sometimes I am. But then there are times were a voice inside me is screaming "What the hell are you thinking?!" Ugh. To say that my feelings on this don't cause massive issues would be a HUGE understatement. I feel like we fight more than we don't lately. I think he'd probably attribute fault to me, and I guess he's right. I'm the one with the problem. He just has kids.

I need to stop listening to the Decemberists while I write. It makes me feel worse.

Right now I wish I could go to the gym. When I feel antsy and anxious and sad, working out makes me feel better, or at least calms me down. I have such a good playlist for a workout right now. All female, real poppy. I actually have pretty decent taste in music. I like a wide variety of artists and genres. It just so happens Britney Spears falls in there somewhere. Don't judge.

I'm watching Spencer Pratt punch another man [IN THE HEAD] on the Hills. The Hills is kind of like the female version of professional wrestling. It's fake, but entertaining. It's ridiculous, but we can't stop watching. Oh wait... guys think professional wrestling is real. Oh, right.