Breakfast in Bed

I'm sitting in bed, on a warm, sunny Sunday. I have my dog curled up at the foot of the bed, my laptop in my... lap, my breakfast on the night stand next to me, and the Sunday paper fanned out on the bed next to me. I keep asking myself "why am I watching the Hills?" Wow, it's a terrible show. However, I'd like to have Lauren Conrad's hair. Even if she is blonde.

Oh! But my breakfast! You must hear about this breakfast.

A cinnamon roll from Sprouts, a small bowl of cut up strawberries, and a Trader Joe's Greek Style Nonfat Yogurt (Pomegranate). Ohhh, wow. It's all pretty amazing. I know that cinnamon roll is a calorie, sugar, and fat bomb, but I've decided to allow myself a breakfast treat once a week -- a donut, a cinnamon roll, or bagel. Carbs are my weakness. Once a week is okay, and will keep me honest the rest of the week. The strawberries are a little weak. Really red and juicy, but not... sweet? It's odd. The yogurt is on its last day or two. I have a ton of yogurt (all Greek-style) to work through in my fridge.

So, I had a tummy tuck last Tuesday and was prescribed vicodin for the pain. I took two last night before bed. Every night since I've been on vicodin I've had horrible, vivid, violent nightmares. I woke up this morning crying. It makes me a) not want to sleep or b) not take the vicodin. Neither are really an option at this point. I have a hard time getting comfortable in bed without the vicodin because I feel a stinging pain at the incision. Waking up alone after I've had a terrible nightmare makes it that much worse.

Anyway.

I never thought I'd date someone with kids. I've had friends who have dated men with kids, and no matter how fun it was at first, it inevitably wasn't worth it. I think the boyfriend is great. I think his kids are cute, and sometimes they're fun to be around. I guess this is how I think about it. I'm 29, and unattached for the first time in a long time. I will probably have kids someday (or maybe never... getting older by the second), and right now I feel like it's completely acceptable to want to be selfish and sleep in on the weekends, and not have a set of 5-year-olds dictate how I spend my weekend from where and what's eaten for dinner, to what's watched on TV or in the movie theater.

And I'm more than allowed to have all that, except not if I want to spend the time with my boyfriend. In order to have him and spend time with him, I have to (as he puts it) let go of that selfishness and enjoy life with all of them. I've tried, honestly. I've spent time doing things I don't particularly enjoy because at least I get to spend time with him. I guess deep down, or... not even so deep down, it feels unfair of him to tell me I need to be less selfish. I don't think I need to be. I think I have every right to be selfish. I'm not the one with kids. I'm not the one tied down here. Then it keeps coming back to am I willing to "let go" of all the selfishness to be in  his life. Sometimes I am. But then there are times were a voice inside me is screaming "What the hell are you thinking?!" Ugh. To say that my feelings on this don't cause massive issues would be a HUGE understatement. I feel like we fight more than we don't lately. I think he'd probably attribute fault to me, and I guess he's right. I'm the one with the problem. He just has kids.

I need to stop listening to the Decemberists while I write. It makes me feel worse.

Right now I wish I could go to the gym. When I feel antsy and anxious and sad, working out makes me feel better, or at least calms me down. I have such a good playlist for a workout right now. All female, real poppy. I actually have pretty decent taste in music. I like a wide variety of artists and genres. It just so happens Britney Spears falls in there somewhere. Don't judge.

I'm watching Spencer Pratt punch another man [IN THE HEAD] on the Hills. The Hills is kind of like the female version of professional wrestling. It's fake, but entertaining. It's ridiculous, but we can't stop watching. Oh wait... guys think professional wrestling is real. Oh, right.