And If You Don't Love Me Let Me Go

Depending on the day you ask me, I'll either boast about how great my life is and happy completely, utterly, over-the-moon happy I am, or I'll be a crumpled pile of tears about the disaster I've let my life become. My life, and the vehicle living it (me) have changed tremendously in the last three or four years - mentally, emotionally, physically, and every other possible way. Sometimes I don't know how to keep it going at an even pace.

Today's one of those disaster days.

I grew up in the midwest. Only child to divorced parents. Sexually abused by a family member. Dad cheated on mom. Married the woman he cheated with. Graduated from high school, went to college, married the only serious boyfriend I ever had. Gained a million pounds. Lost a million pounds. Moved to the west coast. Separated from husband. Finished my degree in something I really felt passionate about. Told my parents about being molested. In the process of getting massive amounts of plastic surgery done to correct the obsecene amounts of excess skin leftover from tremenous weight loss. Also in the process of dating someone.

See, I don't know how to give a little. I end up needing to give background on every little thing. Let me try again.

My name is Stephanie, and I'm 29. I'm a mess most of the time. I'm taking care of myself for the first time in my life, and it's terrifying, and hard, and sad. It's terrifying and hard because I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and it feels like at 29, I should no longer be "winging it." It's sad because I liked going through life with a partner... being responsible for each other. Feeling like my well-being mattered to someone else. I think being an only child with a horrible secret, to divorced parents, I've spent my entire life alone, and for the brief time I was married, I didn't feel alone. It felt like the first time someone was taking me into consideration with regards to everything. He was the wrong partner for me, though. Maybe there is no "right" partner, as I seem to be pretty terrible in all things regarding relationships. I'll likely get into that soon enough.

I think people who were abused as kids either shut down emotionally, or amp it up. I guess I'm on the amp it up end. I'm hyper-sensitive. I'm easily hurt. It seems to be a huge problem for everyone in my life, and they all quickly lose patience, so inevitably they treat me poorly because what does it matter? I'll be hurt and disappointed no matter what they do. God, I feel so sad today.

I suppose sitting here and dwelling on it is making me feel worse, but I need it to be out of my head, and heart, because all I feel right now is physical pain in my chest. I wish I could be one of those cold, emotions-turned-off people. My dad is one. Turns out my boyfriend is, too. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense I was attracted to the BF. I think he was good at pretending to be this all-feeling creature when we met. It felt like we clicked so much on that level. Now I see him for what he is, which is cold and distant, exactly like the father I spent my entire life trying to get to open up to me, and let me in, and love me, and make me feel like I mattered. Now I'm 29, and doing the same thing with him. Sigh...

That all was entirely too depressing, and makes me sound like the most dreadful person in existence. I just made myself dinner. As I mentioned earlier, I've lost a ton of weight (approximately 200 pounds) and I've been trying to eat what I want within healthy limitations. It's kind of hard. Tonight I made myself what I'm convinced is the most delicious sandwich, a salad, and yogurt.

The salad is a big bowl filled with spring mix, a persian cucumber sliced, a quarter of a red bell pepper cut into chunks, a handful of baby carrots and a slight drizzle of Trader Joe's Balsalmic. The sandwich is an Orowheat Sandwich Thin (whole wheat) with a smear of Oasis Jalapeno Cilantro hummus on each side, a Boca Spicy Chick'n meatless patty, and a slice of pepperjack cheese. The Sandwich Thin is toasted. Oh, it's delicious. The yogurt is Siggi's Icelandic Style non-fat yogurt in Orange & Ginger. The ginger is quite prominent.

I'm trying to get into the habit of photographing my food for my health & wellness blog (http://purpleasics.blogspot.com/), but this may end up absorbing that blog anyway. Who knows. I certainly don't. I just need to have a place where I can actually talk about how I'm feeling without the person listening making me feel like a terrible, and/or insane person.

Sorry for the poor quality of the photo. It was taken with my Blackberry. I'll try to get in the habit of using my digital camera in the future so the food may actually end up looking appetizing.

This sandwich is delicious. Try it immediately. It's spicy and perfect. Yum.

In closing (tangent - I remember when I was taught how to properly write papers in junior high where you had an intro word in every paragraph -- First, Next, Then, In closing, etc. It was very formulaic. I notice myself forgetting how to write sometimes. It comes out very mechanical and awkward but I'll leave it!) Where were we? Oh yes, "in closing..." My dog is the absolute best dog in the entire world. I'd be an even bigger mess without her. She's the most amazing companion, and she's the only thing that makes my chest hurt a little less sometimes. She loves when I share carrots and apples with her. She loves cuddling up close when we sleep. She loves tummy rubs. She's happiest when we're walking in the sunshine. I love her so much.

Her eyes look glowingly rabid here, but I promise she's about the cutest dog-cat mutant you've ever seen.